(It felt like December)
The chill finds my face, my lips are numb, my eyes are burning, and my heart is pounding harder than ever before. I exhale to observe a cloud of life fill the air surrounding, wishing that some how there was a way to have my feelings expelled the same. My mind is flooded again with memories of us. I fight with myself continually, debating weather to move any closer but the past follows close behind and I can still hear it shattering. Its remembrance is pulling me fast towards my comfort zone. I whisper, “I hate this cold”. The air is harsh and unforgiving but I continue forward. I place my hand against the damp wintry sheet of wood that separates the two of us and the ice covering instantly reminds me of my fear. The stinging sends chills down my spine and the pain a realization of how hard it is to truly love someone. Embarrassed the tensing in my muscles cause me to knock much harder than intended, nevertheless the door slowly swings open. Winter rushes in and makes this awkward situation even more uncomfortable. I look forward in your direction squinting for I can barely see through my icy blood shot eyes. I stand speechless before you hoping you will break the ice. Praying that this silence will stop, because it is all I’ve known for too long and I can’t bear it anymore.
My desire is only to make my feelings for you tangible. I need for there to be something you can grasp so that you know I am here because my words have fallen short so many times before. Displaying the rose that was hidden behind me I mumble, “I’ve missed you”. My heart automatically sinks into my feet and I begin to feel my knees going weak. I know what I need to do and I have determined myself in doing it. The lines I had practiced were conveniently found absent at the time so I stuttered the only three words I remembered, “I love you”. I pause, in fear, waiting for a response.
Finally like the screeching on a chalkboard you speak to me, “the rose is beautiful… Thank you”! My mind begins to wander. Does she feel the same? Is the rose really that amazing that she neglected to hear my heart breaking before her? Did I speak to low? Is there really any hope? I gather my thoughts and repeat myself firmly…”I love you”! She gazes ahead at me and in a most disappointing fashion she separates reality from my hopes and dreams by repeating once again, “the rose is beautiful… Thank you”!
Piece by piece my heart crumbled, and I began to feel nauseous as I gently handed her the rose. I took a few steps back hoping she would continue but there was nothing. Nothing but the cold air streaming across my blood warmed skin and freezing the tears escaping my eyes. I hesitantly turned around and started away from her only to be startled by the slamming of the door. I walked swiftly repeating over and over in my head, ”Don’t look back. Don’t’ look back”! Then, against my better judgment I turned back toward the place I had revealed my heart to view myself broken, face stained with trails from burning tears in the reflection of her window. I abruptly look away to observe the parading lights that lined the outside of her house and to distract myself from the site of my abandonment but unfortunately my eyes returned to the window that no longer revealed a reflection of my pain but a realty of the hurt!
I watched her give “my rose” to the guy waiting inside?
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redlightparade's journal
anxious